Drink me! Drink me!  You know you want to...My looooords!! Get into that seminar!The "Vital Spark", Para handy's famous puffer.Keeping some bottles cold in a bag of snow on a train in Croatia!The Beer House, Manchester circa 1991 - them were the days!The one and only Jimmy Hill!A trayload of winners, fresh from Sal's cellar!

  Fairy Stories! 

Last Updated : 07/09/05


Gazza's Fairy Stories (as seen on Scoopgen!)

thought that I'd put these on here, as they explain some important past scooping history!  However, don't forget that they are just fairy stories, and all characters and places mentioned are purely coincidental with those in real life - it's all made up, honest!

Part 1

"Once upon a time, in the backyard of England, there lived a scooper called Gazza. He worked very hard (!) at a council and in his spare time he travelled to a pub called Ye Olde Kettle in Thumper-on-sea as it was a pub which sold lots of winners, which Gazza liked a lot.

However, the pub was run by an evil ogre called Geoff (allegedly) and Geoff liked Colonel Porkliver or some crap and other assorted 60's music that Gazza thought sounded shite. The evil ogre Geoff also had a downer on scoopers, but the friendly elf called Alex (sorry, it just sounded too good to miss out and I was getting into my stride ...) helped the scoopers by smuggling beers out of the ogre's cellar when he wasn't looking.

All went well for a while, until a brewery mysteriously appeared in the ogre's cellar. This malignant object proceeded to vomit forth various dodgy beers (allegedly) and the choice of the winners that Gazza liked a lot dwindled, being replaced by fluids from the evil ogre's brewery that Gazza drank but didn't like as much as the winners which he liked a lot.

Eventually, Gazza arrived at the pub to find the evil ogre Geoff in a particularly
bad mood. Geoff would not get any beers from the cellar, and the friendly elf had been told not to get any either or have his ears cut off and made into ogre-soup. Gazza, having just paid lots of groats to travel from the backyard of England to the pub (via some most excellent evil empire traction, it must be said) was not pleased, and voiced his disagreement to the ogre.  Geoff replied that if Gazza did not like the situation, he could go away and not come back, which Gazza did, and has not been back for 10 years."


Part 2

"Alas, there existed multiple views of the sad events witnessed in Ye Olde Kettle in Thumper-on-Sea.  Gazza's version, cast in tablets of steel from withdrawn mainline diesel locos, stated that the evil ogre Geoff had decreed that Gazza should no longer frequent Ye Olde Kettle, but lo, Gazza had also made it clear that he did not wish to frequent Ye Olde Kettle. Thus, by mutual consent, the pair's path were never to cross again.

There followed years of bountiful scoops, which Gazza liked a lot. His totals grew and flowered like the climbing rose, lo even until the number 10,000 was attained; a figure which only the gods had previously aspired to, and their names were Mick the Tick and Brian the Whippet (oh yes, and Gary Mess).

However, with the wars of the tickers and CAMRA people, there came great conflict to the beer world, and there was great gnashing of teeth (and sandals) and much Kriek was spilt (well, it might have been blood but Kriek tastes nicer). When Gazza was cast out from the council of CAMRA, which was known as cak-uk (but not when the CAMRA orcs were listening) he received support from the new keeper of Ye Olde Kettle. Gazza, on reflection of the troubled times past, decided that if he were to visit Thumper-on-Sea again, he would verily visit Ye Old kettle and make himself known to all present.

Thus, Gazza decided that he should forgive Ye Olde Kettle for strifes past and decreed that he would be less desperate in his quest to become a god like the great Mick the Tick and Brian the Whippet, and would spend more of his time pursuing the great emitters of clag and thrash which dwelt in far off lands with names like Croatia and Czech ... but that's another story."


Part 3 (by Steven Spile-berg. Allegedly.)

"In the first instalment, the evil ogre Geoff cast out the good Gazza one fair afternoon; this was because Mrs. Ogre had (probably justifiably) been even more of an ogre than usual that morning. So, in a bad mood, the evil ogre Geoff shouted and ranted(!) all day, frightening even the local CAMRA Orcs. The hapless Gazza happened to enter at a particularly unsettled moment, just as the evil ogre Geoff was about to surgically remove the friendly elf called Alex's ears without anaesthetic, or even a pint of Sunburst.

Naturally, the friendly elf called Alex was spared when the evil ogre Geoff's temper was suddenly directed to the newcomer to the battle. Banished, exiled, cast (or casked?) out, excommunicated, ejaculated(!) - that was the fate of the hapless Gazza.

So it came to pass that the hapless Gazza was not to return; but all was not bad in the end. The evil ogre Geoff proceeded to regularly f#ck up the beer order, cellar, kitchen, finances, you name it. Then, one fair morn, nice ogre Mr. Rudolph stepped in and cast out the evil ogre Geoff under a spell he called 'redundancy'. And it came to pass that nice ogre Jan later inherited the ancient and honoured title of 'manager', to be succeeded ultimately by nice ogre Matt when a little Jan, known as Amy, came forth into this troubled universe.

And the friendly elf called Alex escaped with his ears intact and buggered off to a land known for its fabled FL9s, corruption, and lawsuits. The evil ogre Geoff went to a mysterious world where he was no longer an ogre as such, he is now something known as a 'gasman'.

And the brewery in the cellar manifested itself far, far away at a place called 'Melvich' when a nice, shiny, new brewery materialised in the land known as 'Ansty'.

So it came to pass that everybody lived happily ever after although the hapless Gazza has never brought himself to return to the scene of battle with the evil ogre Geoff....."

So now you know ..... !!!